P.A.U.S.E. Here.
A self de-escalation tool from Black Emotional and Mental Health (BEAM).
Kristianna knows that what Ro wears and how they move through the world is not the reason or cause of the danger. But how do they manage their triggers so that they don’t unintentionally teach their child that wearing makeup or dressing a certain way is the problem?Â
ICYMI - Check out There Be Dragons. Part 1 of 3 in our Galaxy Guide Pack 1.
Whether you’re overwhelmed by your child’s behavior or confronting how past traumas and triggers may be impacting your parenting decisions, it’s important to have tools for tending to your body/mind in moments of stress, anxiety, and sadness.
Parenting Explorers are invited to reflect on the questions offered by the P.A.U.S.E. tool in a journal, phone notes, or sketch pad. I recommend that you do this to prepare for the future and not during an active parenting crisis.
I’d love to hear your P.A.U.S.E reflections! If you feel like sharing, drop me a line.
Keeping with the theme of our first Galaxy Guide Pack, I focused my own reflections on healthy sexual exploration and bodily autonomy.
Paid Subscribers can read my reflections below.
Pay attention to body, thoughts and feelings.
When I’m angry I can feel my ears and cheeks get hot. I stop breathing. It can feel like I don’t have a body. Like I’m just a tsunami rising up and threatening to crash down on and smash everything around me. I can feel my muscles tightening and sometimes, my stomach gets upset or knotted up with stress. These are some of the messages I get from my body that signal a need for me to step away and reset before finishing a conversation with anyone.
Assess what is activating me.
Sometimes even I don’t know what’s activating me without time and perspective. Or I think it’s my kid’s behavior or my need to protect them but later I realize, nah — I was just really scared and I allowed my fear to parent for me.
In the past, I have been activated when my children approached new milestones in their healthy sexual development, and their natural curiosity for exploring their sensuality bumps up against the toxic messages I was given about my body, sex, and relationships as a child. It can be hard to parent the way I want to when I can still hear the fearful and threatening voices of the past in my ear. And sometimes, it’s easier to try to control my kids behavior than it is to face the people who hurt me and the bad things that happened in my own childhood.
Understanding the roots of my feelings
Babe, I’m a firstborn daughter with a history of childhood sexual trauma. I was groomed to be hypersexual and began to see this as a way to get what I wanted — even when this wasn’t true, healthy, or safe. The messages given to me by loved ones about my body were only reinforced by our culture’s preoccupation with being white and thin in a body with no visible or perceivable disabilities.
Set boundaries, separate, and ensure safety.
When we discovered that one of our children was looking at pornography on the internet, I panicked. Not because I didn’t know better but because even though I did, I still felt like the voices I heard in my youth were threatening to spill out of my mouth.
I set boundaries for his computer use and then I set boundaries for myself. I told my kiddo that I needed 30 days to figure out how to talk to him about pornography. I knew that I didn’t shame him or make him feel bad about his body but I didn’t yet know how.
Empathize with those involved.
What I came to understand was that my child had reached an age where they were curious about bodies and sex but it didn’t happen right away. I used my 30 days to call on my sex-positive, healthy sexuality friends. They gave me the space I needed to start healing past wounds and process my feelings without putting any of that shit on my kid(s). They also sent me websites that would serve as safe(r) spaces for my child to explore healthy sexuality and evidence-based, scientifically accurate, liberatory sex education.
For example, one of the websites I shared with my son has been giving us ‘queer sex education since 1998’. Check out Scarlateen here!
I am still so grateful. I didn’t know it then but this was one of the first times I called on my Parenting Pod Network for support.
If the concept of a pod network is new to you, click here to learn more about podmapping on SOIL’s website.
It felt good to think about how scared I was in the beginning and how my loved ones showed up to help me parent differently than how I’d been raised. It taught me that I didn’t have to parent alone. My children have benefited endlessly from the love and attention of my friends and I love my friends endlessly for it.
Thank you for reading!
You can access additional graphics on the BEAM website here.
P.A.U.S.E. - Image Description:
Tips for Self De-escalation.
P - Pay attention to my body, thoughts, and feelings
What happens to my body when I get angry? (i.e., clenched fist, elevated heart rate) These are messages that I need to pause. Am I breathing? What story am I telling myself?
A - Assess what is activating me
What feelings are being activated? Do I not feel heard? Do I feel misunderstood? Am I upset about what was said or something else that happened to me recently?
U - Understand the roots of my feelings
What values of mine are being challenged? Am I seeking to resolve a disagreement or maintain power and control over something or someone else?
S - Set boundaries, separate, ensure safety
If you are not able to show up in dignity and respect, step away. Set boundaries. Work with the problem when you are less frustrated. It is important everyone feels safe.
E - Empathize with those involved
Everyone deserves respect. How could the other person be experiencing me? How will my actions impact others? What are others trying to express? How can we create understanding?